The Truth

I've recently realized that life as a Peace Corps Volunteer may sound wholly fun and exciting and glamorous. And for some volunteers, it definitely is most of those things, most of the time. In fact, to you at home maybe it would be if you were in my shoes. But for me and many, probably most, of my colleagues it rarely meets that description. A friend of mine recently asked me if I was enjoying it here (while many others have echoed that same question) and I wasn’t sure how to answer. Because while at times I feel empowered and tested and adventurous and many of the things I wanted to feel when I joined, I don’t know that I can say I’m “enjoying it." At least not yet anyway.

The way I’ve been thinking about it is that if my goal, instead of to test myself in this way, was to become absolutely ripped, I might lock myself inside a gym that served only healthy food for 2 years. Chances are high that I would accomplish my goal and I’d feel accomplished at the end of it, but I don’t know if I’d “enjoy” the process. Even just typing it out, I hear how awful that sounds. I’m equating that me living the lifestyle that millions of people in a country I’ve already grown to love so much is the equivalent of locking myself in a gym and doing deadlifts and squats all day. And just in case Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is reading this, I’m trying to the process isn't fun. But maybe if it were fun it would be less righteous? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Anyway, my blog posts have (and will) highlight most of the interesting/exciting things I’m doing and the fun/enriching moments. Besides the fact that those are the things I enjoy writing about, they’re often the most interesting and relevant to anyone reading this blog. But those are the exception. The reality is 90% of my day is spent in my room doing very little of substance. Besides there not being a lot to do right now, often just the idea of leaving my house gives me anxiety. And in another post I’ll explain why.

But the reason I write this blog post is not to ask for pick-me-up emails, because I’m not saying I’m a bad volunteer – at least I don’t think I am. And it's not to complain either. I knew this is what I signed up for and if I didn't shame on me because most blogs you read will tell you the same thing. The point is to tell you the truth about what it's like to be a volunteer. It is very typical of PCVs, especially at this stage of service, to be unproductive, feel very isolated and quite simply, not be "enjoying it." The truth is that it’s really hard to adjust and it’s really hard to integrate and most people kind of suck at it in the beginning. I am no exception. Plus, as an agriculture volunteer with no previous agriculture experience trying to learn the trade during the dry season (it’s rained for a total of 30 minutes in the 7 weeks I've been at site), there’s especially not a lot for me to do right now.

I think about the times in my life when I’ve moved cities and how many months it took for me to feel at home to the point that I didn't routinely lock myself in my room. And then I think about how in those circumstances I still had a car and a job and a cellphone and friends nearby and, most importantly, I still knew how people would behave around me given certain social cues when I left my room. I recently watched the movie “Brooklyn” and was struck by a quote. Paraphrased, “Home sickness is like most sicknesses. It will pass and eventually it moves on to someone else.” It’s true and I know I just need time. And the Peace Corps knows I need time too. The picture above shows the most common cycle of vulnerability that a volunteer goes through and that image was given to us more than once by the Peace Corps during training. So I have no doubt that I will “enjoy” things more going forward. But for now I guess I’ll just continue to do those metaphorical squats in the gym.